Well, Kevin and I have been parents for almost SEVEN weeks now--holy mackerel! I still feel like such a newbie, like I'm barely getting the hang of this mommy stuff. For weeks now I've been wanting to write out Abby's birth story, but it feels like I can only get about one thing done a day (besides taking care of the bambina, of course.) Maybe I'll only get a few sentences written today...but at least I'm starting!
So, without further ado,
the story of Abigail:
Warning: I am including all kinds of labor details here that some of you might not care to know--so proceed with caution! Also, be prepared for this to be very loooong--I'm writing this for myself, mostly, so I can remember in years to come.
Abby was due on October 15th, but the doctor had been telling me for about three weeks that it could be "any time" because I was starting to dilate (first 1 cm, then 2, then 3cm and 75% effaced by the due date) and my cervix was "very soft." This made me feel very distracted from working on my research and writing my dissertation, especially after that first appointment when she said I was dilated. The appointment was on a Friday, I think, and the doctor had told me she wouldn't be surprised if I went into labor before my next appointment. I seriously thought it would happen that weekend! Ha! As the days (and weeks) kept coming by and no baby, I got more uncomfortable and more tired of working on my dissertation. I just wished the baby would come already--partly because it seemed like that would save me from having to actually write the darn thing, at least for a while. (Yes, a stupid thought--how would I have ever finished it AFTER the baby came? But that was how I felt at the time). My advisor kept saying how lucky we were that the baby was waiting so that we could finish this journal paper as well--in my head I did NOT really think this was lucky! (But in retrospect, I agree.) (As an aside, I turned in my completed thesis three days before I went into labor--clearly, Heavenly Father was helping me finish that Ph.D., whether or not I thought I wanted to at the time).
As it turned out, I did not start going into labor until 8 days after my due date, which was a Saturday. I started having early labor pains about 2pm ish. I decided *not* to take my afternoon dose of blood thinners, even though I wasn't sure at first (I was taking it during my pregnancy because of my blood clotting disorder, but I was supposed to stop when labor started, since otherwise I might hemorrhage, and because an epidural is not an option while on blood thinners for at least 12-24 hours after the last dose. I wanted an natural birth anyway, but I figured that if my labor went on and on past 24 hours, at least I could have the option of an epidural at that point.)
For the longest time I was not sure I was actually having "real" contractions because everyone said that real contractions would wrap around my whole abdomen, probably starting from the back and radiating forward, and that there would be a feeling of tightening in addition to the pain. Well, everyone lied! I NEVER felt contractions that way, not even right at the end. They always felt exactly like menstrual cramps to me (albeit very much greater in intensity!)--and all the pain was down low, always. So I WAS feeling contractions for several hours but wasn't entirely sure. They were sort of, kind of regular but not really. But over the course of the afternoon, they did get longer, stronger, and closer together. I took a walk early in the afternoon to help things along. For most of the day I did chores--laundry, grocery shopping, etc. to get my mind of the crampiness I was feeling. Kevin and I decided to go get some spicy Thai food for dinner--I was a little nervous my water would break in the middle of the restaurant! (It didn't). But the intensity was not too bad, so the contractions weren't too hard to ignore. I do remember pushing my cart around Walmart later in the evening and thinking, "Hmm, this is starting to feel more serious! Maybe I'd better hurry up here..."
Meanwhile, Kevin was frantically trying to finish some work stuff up, so he was pounding away at the computer keyboard. As I started timing contractions and telling him they were 10 minutes, 9 minutes, etc apart he would say "aaaaa!" and start typing even faster. I decided to read a book to keep myself occupied. I SHOULD have taken some naps instead, because by the time it was getting really late and I was getting really tired and wanting to sleep, it was not really possible to do so because the pain was a lot worse by then. So, eventually at about 3am I told Kevin we'd better think about heading to the hospital. We finished packing things up and headed out, arriving about 4am. Neither of us had slept a wink--me because of the contractions and Kevin because he was trying to finish that work stuff.
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Here I am getting ready to go to the hospital--with the essential body pillow in tow.
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I got checked in and they took me up to the room. They checked my cervix and found I was still at a 3! I was bummed out--I figured since I'd been in early labor for so many hours, that I probably would have progressed past what I had been before I'd even started labor! They told me to try walking around for a an hour or so and they would check again.
So, we did--I walked around the labor & delivery floor in my hospital gown with Kevin, stopping to lean on him when the contraction would start. At first it was kind of fun and exciting--the pain was only kind of bad, totally manageable. But then I started feeling nauseous. My sister had told me that she threw up several times during her labor, and I had sometimes thrown up when I had really bad menstrual cramps in the past, so I was prepared for this possibility (or so I thought!). Kevin started carrying around a basin with us while we walked. I *almost* threw up while we were walking around, but not quite. I started feeling REALLY cold, too--so we'd go back to the room, and I'd put on Kevin's coat and huddle up on the couch. But then I'd feel really hot, so I'd take it off and we'd start walking again--this happened a couple of times I think.
Eventually I did start throwing up--I don't remember exactly when. Up came everything I had eaten that evening. As the pain of the contractions got worse, I started throwing up more often--maybe every 10-15 minutes or so. And soon it was just dry heaving, since nothing was left in my stomach. This was not fun! I asked the nurse if there was any medicine that could help the nausea. She said there was, and I said "I want it!" It required an IV, though, which was kind of a bummer, but I really wanted to stop throwing up because it really made the contractions harder to deal with--I couldn't just rest and recoup in between contractions because I was busy dry heaving. So they started up the IV and gave me the drug, but it really didn't help the nausea as far as I could tell, sadly. I think it did make me extra sleepy, though.
Since I was on an IV I had less freedom to move around than before. I had planned on using all kinds of different birthing positions--squatting, on the birthing ball, etc. but I really just laid there on my side a lot of the time. I knew that was supposed to be less effective for helping labor progress but I just couldn't get myself to move for the most part. Kevin, being the sweet supportive husband that he is, had bought every possible comfort measure you can think of and packed them in the suitcase--nice smelling lotions, massage tools of all sorts, lip balm, music, you name it. In the end, I didn't want any of them--the aromatherapy/lotion stuff made me feel more nauseous, and I didn't want anyone to touch me--it made it harder to deal with the pain. So I kind of just internalized--closed my eyes and moaned, while Kevin just held my hand and ran for the throw-up basin as needed. Poor guy--he really wanted to do more to help me, but I didn't want him to touch me for the most part.
I moaned quite a lot, actually. I felt/feel kind of embarrassed about it, actually. I had NOT imagined myself as a woman who would vocalize a lot through labor--I pictured myself using my relaxation techniques and quietly enduring the contractions. Well, it turns out I'm a moaner. That's just what I had to do. At least I wasn't screaming and yelling, I guess.
They periodically checked my cervix, and while i was making a LITTLE progress, it was very slow. The nurse suggested I try sitting in the shower for a while, which I did. You could tell the pain was pretty intense for me because I abandoned all modesty and decorum and just walked right over to the bathroom naked. I sat in there for--I don't know, an hour I think? Honestly, that was the best coping technique I tried probably. I would have liked to have tried the jacuzzi tub they had down the hall too, but it never worked out--I had my IV to pull around, plus it probably wouldn't have worked to be vomiting constantly while in the jacuzzi anyway. Plus, I was sooo sleepy, that after I got out of the shower I actually would fall asleep in between contractions for a few minutes, so I just laid there sleeping or moaning through the contraction for a few hours.
Anyways, after about 7 hours since checkin, they checked my cervix again, and I was at a 5. Only a FIVE?? I thought. I was starting to think seriously about asking for some pain medication--things were getting very hard to handle and I was only at a 5! The doctor said she would like to break my water and see if that helped things along. She said the baby's heartbeat was slowing down during contractions and she didn't like that--also, my contractions were not very regular, and she thought this might help with that too. (Often they would come two in a row--one really hard and one a little less-hard. But the intervals were a little random).
I agreed, and so she did it. Within minutes, the contractions got MUCH more painful. I mean, like crazy painful, and also VERY close together--sometimes no space at all in between. And of course the vomiting continued. Looking back, I think I was pretty open-minded before giving birth myself about what type of birthing experience other women chose for themselves--I knew some women had very long, very hard labors and i could understand wanting an epidural for that. But, I did sort of think natural childbirth was the "best" choice if possible, and I was pretty set on doing it that way. I thought I could totally handle it, especially because I have had reeeally difficult menstrual cramps since puberty and am pretty good with dealing with pain. Well, all preconceptions went out the window as I went through it! I thought--I need an epidural! A c-section! Anything! No wonder women want epidurals! I thought I still had like 7 hours of this, and I did NOT think I could handle it.
So, I asked for an epidural. I felt like I was wimping out somehow, but I was losing control fast. The nurse said she would start getting things set up but that it would take at least half an hour before they could administer it. Thirty more minutes of this agony! Ack! But I knew there was no getting around it and I'd just have to endure. Kevin held my hand and breathed with me and helped me stay (mostly) calm.
A few minutes (they seemed longer than a few though) of crazy pain later, I started feeling the urge to push. I had learned in my birthing class that some women feel a premature urge to push and how to handle this (since pushing before it's time only makes things worse). So I started the whole panting thing, and figured I'd just have to deal with this. I was still thinking I had many hours of labor left. After three contractions like that, Kevin decided to call the nurse (thank goodness! I was just going to tough it out, thinking it would pass). She checked me and said, "Wow--you are not having an epidural--you're having a baby! Right now!" They hurried and called the doctor and started setting things up, and told me NOT to push yet until they were ready.
And then the doctor was there and they were telling me to push, and I pushed! Wow, it felt SO GOOD to actually push! I mean, it wasn't painless--in fact, I felt the "ring of fire" at the end as my perineum tore--but it was such a relief to be actively pushing. The contractions weren't nearly as bad anymore, either. Somehow I had it in my mind that pushing would be really painful (just imagining that big old head coming out, I guess)--but it totally was the easiest part! Anyways, they only let me push about every other contraction for a while--not quite sure exactly why...They kept telling me I was doing great and making a lot of progress. I knew it had only been a few--maybe 15--minutes, though, and I figured they were just saying that to encourage me. I knew pushing usually takes 1-2 hours for the average first-time mom. Well, apparently I am not average because I only pushed for 20 minutes tops, and suddenly she was there! They were putting her in my arms. I was dazed, elated, couldn't quite believe it was over. I did it! She was here! And she looked beautiful and healthy!
She was 8lbs and 4 oz--quite a big baby! And in 45 minutes I had gone from 5cm dilated to holding that big baby in my arms. No wonder my contractions were so painful after they broke my water!
So in the end, I had no pain medications, just like I had planned. Of course, I had
wanted the epidural in the end, but it happened to work out that I didn't get one. Kevin and I both talked about it later and said we each felt like we didn't quite live up to our plans/goals for childbirth--Kevin because there wasn't much he could do for me (not his fault) and so all his planned massaging and whatnot didn't happen. Some of the time he slept on the couch while I labored (I told him to), and he felt somewhat guilty for that. I felt somewhat guilty about moaning so much and about asking for an epidural. But we just had to tell ourselves that it didn't matter if things went how we envisioned or not. We both did our best--we did great in fact--and we got a beautiful baby in the end!
Wow, I have written a novel already--I guess I will save the hospital stay/taking the baby home part for another post.
