A New Leaf

So they always tell you to pray for answers to your problems and you'll hear something in General Conference that will answer them, right? Well, this time I did that. I was praying for help with a particular problem I've been having lately. The problem is called "I hate graduate school." It starts with a frustrating research project that just never works no matter what you try, with collaborators and an advisor that can't really offer much in the way of help. At first you're optimistic and determined, but after 4 years of working on the same thing with no results, you start to feel like it doesn't make any difference how hard you're working--you work long days and try lots of stuff, and no results. Or, you don't get to work until noon and spend half the time at work reading news and looking at craigslist, and you still get no results. No difference in the outcome, so why work hard? And then, you find it harder and harder to focus at your lab and just start getting lazier and lazier. While you once considered yourself pretty dang smart, and a real go-getter and very self disciplined, now you feel like a useless failure who probably got admitted to grad school by accident and somehow passed the qualifier by sheer luck. But the worst part is, you feel like it's all your fault too--how do you expect to finish grad school if you you're not working hard? Your chemistry grad friends all work like 12 hour days, 6 days a week! Maybe you should just quit and do something else, but then you'd feel like the ultimate failure--going through 4+ years of grad school just to come away empty handed? Pathetic!

So when I prayed for help, I was pretty sure I knew what the answer would be: "Get your lazy bones out of bed and get to work!" (I've been telling myself that for weeks now, as a matter of fact.) But, although I felt a very strong answer to my prayers, it wasn't the one I expected at all. Instead of scolding, what I heard and felt was a message of hope, of encouragement, and of understanding. I felt assurance that the Lord understood why I was having such a hard time with this, and didn't blame me. But, he assured me that I *could* get my act together if I trusted more fully in Him. "Faith is a choice," one of the speakers said yesterday. And you know what? I feel that I can choose that. I can choose to throw myself at the feet of the Savior and allow him to carry me through this "I despise my lab bench" stage until I succeed.

This week I'm turning over a new leaf. I am going to be at work by 9am every day, and turn OFF my computer by 11pm every night! (I know, I know--most of you are thinking, "Um, and this is supposed to represent some difficult goal?" Trust me, it's difficult! My bedtime has been more like 2am for a long time, and I'm not sure I can remember the last time I was in my lab before 10am.) And the best part is, I think I can do it this time.

To help me, I found a fun "online sticker chart" thing called Joe's Goals. I don't know why, but I've always liked sticker charts. It probably seems lame to you all, but I think it will help me. If I can figure out how (translation: if I can get Keivn to come do it for me) I'm going to post the chart of how well I'm doing on here for you all to see--aren't you excited??